


I Loved You First

by ellebeedarling



Series: Spectre Requisitions Rare Pair Exchange 2017 [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 04:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: Kaidan has been trying to hide his feelings for Ashley but after they both survive Virmire, it's time for a heart to heart.





	I Loved You First

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nanrea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanrea/gifts).



> A "treat" for nanrea for the Spectre-Requesitions Rare Pair Gift Exchange. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> **
> 
> Title is from the poem, "I loved you first: but afterwards your love" by Christina Rossetti  
> Text of poem is at the end of the story.

 

He'd been admiring Ashley Williams since the first time he'd laid eyes on her. In many ways, she was everything Kaidan was not – outspoken, outgoing, and just plain old fiery in her passionate pursuit of anything that caught her attention. Including him. Kaidan had made it his life's practice to control his emotions, his temper, even his biotics. More than anything, he wanted to be the best soldier he could be, making decisions about life and battle with a clear head and a clear conscious, to boot.

 

In all his years in the military, he'd never been tempted, not even once, to ignore the Alliance's fraternization regulations and have an affair with a fellow soldier. The fire in Ashley's eyes had changed all that. She was a woman determined – committed to her duty, her friends, and her family with a zeal that was as terrifying as it was inspiring.

 

Many a night he'd lain awake in his bunk fantasizing about that passion and zeal under entirely different circumstances. As much as he fought for control over this feeling, it seemed that Ashley's tenacity about everything wormed its way under his barriers and straight into his soul. No matter how he tried, he couldn't get Ashley Williams out of his head.

 

Years of experience had taught him well how to hide his feelings. The surface emotions that everyone saw were a carefully constructed mask to present to the world. He was fine. The mission was fine. Everything was fine. Only it wasn't. Deep inside, his heart was in constant turmoil as he watched Ashley from afar.

 

On the field he fought harder, pressing through the painful migraines that always threatened to sideline him just so he could be closer to her, protect her. He made excuses to be near her – choosing to clean his armor on the bench beside his locker rather than in the crew quarters; offering to help her with her work of maintaining the team's weapons; bringing her coffee at the end of a long exhausting mission. He worked on his jokes just to hear her laugh; listened intently to stories of her sisters and her family; held her in his arms when the weight of their mission was too much for her to bear. Kaidan was content with the friendship they'd built, happy in the knowledge that Ash was as safe and happy as he could make her, even if they could never be more than friends.

 

Then Virmire changed everything.

 

By some miracle, Shepard managed to save them both, though it should have been impossible. But that moment of doubt had burrowed into his mind. On the comms, he'd all but begged Shepard to save Ash and not him. His heart had stuck in his throat when he'd seen the Commander, along with Ash, Wrex, and Garrus rushing back in to save him.

 

It was hours before Chakwas released him from the medbay, well into the night cycle. The gunshot wound he'd received on Virmire was compounded by a migraine. Though he still felt weak and sore and Chakwas had ordered him to get some food and go to bed, Kaidan headed straight for the elevator to the garage. Ashley sat on a crate on the far side of the workbench, back against the wall and a bottle of Mount Milgrom clutched tightly in her fist.

 

“Hey,” he said by way of greeting.

 

“Hey.”

 

“It's never a good idea to drink alone, Ash.”

 

“Heh... you're probably right. I was saving this for Armistice Day,” she waved the bottle in the air. “Figured I needed it more right now.”

 

“We've gotten out of tough scrapes by the skin of our teeth before,” he said softly.

 

“No calls as close as that one, though.” When she looked up at him, her eyes were bleary from the alcohol, lower lip quivering to prevent her tears. “You almost died.”

 

“We both did.”

 

“Good 'ol Shepard, huh?”

 

“Ash-”

 

“-I know you're so uptight you squeak when you walk sometimes, and I know you've probably never given me a second thought as anything more than a friend. Almost dying has a way of putting life into shocking goddamn perspective, though.” She took another swig from the bottle and sighed, passing it to Kaidan. He took it and set it on the workbench, wincing with the effort of lowering himself to his knees in front of her.

 

“What are you trying to tell me, Ash?”

 

Her fingers shook as she reached up to cup his cheek, the pad of her thumb brushing across his lip. “I almost lost you today,” she whispered.

 

Kaidan swallowed, leaned into her touch. “I almost lost you... but we're here. Both of us alive and well.”

 

“Alive, maybe. Not sure about 'well.'”

 

“Ash, please. Tell me what's going on.”

 

In lieu of words, Ashley rushed forward and claimed his lips with her own. God only knew what Shepard would do when he found out, but Kaidan couldn't be bothered to care at the moment. Instead, he returned the kiss with everything that was within him, moaning against her soft lips and whiskey breath.

 

“Kaidan,” she breathed when she finally pulled away, forehead resting against his own. “I've loved you since the minute I laid eyes on you. I know it's not right, and it's not fair. I've tried for so long to keep these feelings inside, but I just can't do it anymore. You almost died to day, dammit! _We_ almost died! And... if I've learned anything in my life as a soldier, it's that... life's too fucking short not to go after what you want.”

 

“I've never agreed with anything more,” Kaidan said with a soft smile which Ashley mirrored. He kissed her again, tenderly, gently, fingers brushing her fallen strands of hair behind her ears.

 

“You mean you're not going to preach to me about regs,” she teased.

 

“Maybe tomorrow,” Kaidan winked. “For tonight, we need some rest. And maybe next time we have some shore leave, we... can explore this a little more.” Standing, he pulled her into his arms, kissing her once more before they headed toward the elevator. Virmire had nearly cost him everything, but tonight, he wouldn't change a thing.

 

 

**

 

**I loved you first: but afterward your love**

_by Christina Rossetti_

 

 

 _Poca favilla gran fiamma seconda. – Dante_  
Ogni altra cosa, ogni pensier va fore,   
E sol ivi con voi rimansi amore. – Petrarca 

 

I loved you first: but afterwards your love 

Outsoaring mine, sang such a loftier song 

As drowned the friendly cooings of my dove. 

Which owes the other most? my love was long, 

And yours one moment seemed to wax more strong; 

I loved and guessed at you, you construed me 

And loved me for what might or might not be – 

Nay, weights and measures do us both a wrong. 

For verily love knows not ‘mine’ or ‘thine;’ 

With separate ‘I’ and ‘thou’ free love has done, 

For one is both and both are one in love: 

Rich love knows nought of ‘thine that is not mine;’ 

Both have the strength and both the length thereof, 

Both of us, of the love which makes us one. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Translation:  
> Great flame follows a little spark. ~Dante  
> Everything else, every thought goes out, and just there with you remains love. ~ Petrarca
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: [ellebeedarling](http://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com)
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


End file.
